Prince Paula Abdul

Posted on November 13, 2008 by admut239

Did you hear about the stalker who killed herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house?  WE DID.  Now, everyone can thank her because, upon reading that story, I realized two things:

1. That chick (the stalker) had nice tits.

2. Paula Abdul looks like Prince!

Maybe you can see it from this picture:

Paula Abdul looks like Prince

Paula Abdul looks like Prince

I know you can probably see it already.  But we live in an age of “modern” technology.  So, I give you… The artist currently known as PRINCE PAULA ADBUL, the ultimate artist.  It’s like Prince on more pills!

Prince Paula Abdul

Prince Paula Abdul

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The Search for the Next ACTUAL Star

Posted on November 6, 2008 by admut239

From Reality Binge on Fox Reality Channel.  I made this lil’ guy and it “stars” me too.  It’s great if you like dumb, weird shit.  It’s a bit scientifically inaccurate though :-/

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High Guy Finds a Computer

Posted on October 22, 2008 by admut239

Yesterday at work my co-worker Dale’s brother, who reminds me of Jesus but is severely addicted to drugs, got on my new macbook, which had Photobooth left open. Let this video be message. Don’t do drugs. It’s a gateway to pretending to smoke highlighters

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Obama Campaigns in Ohio and Pennsylvania and Other places - Answers the HARD Questions

Posted on October 21, 2008 by realbadfriend

AP reporting - Joe the Plumber is crapping around, not paying taxes, living life… John McCain is spouting nonsense and not making any sense about what his policies are, why he believes in the war and why he doesn’t thinks that a tax-cut for 95% of the population is dispicable… Sarah Palin is showing up on Saturday Night Live like she’s avril lavigne (also Canadian)…

BUT BARACK OBAMA WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTION, ANY TIME - 100% TRUTH, NO FUCKING AROUND.

Barack Obama gives an in detail description of his unit to a local youth group.

See what I mean? See above, okay?

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The Red Sox of Orange County

Posted on October 19, 2008 by admut239

Red Sox Catcher Jason Varitek looks like a beefed-up Slade Smiley (from Real Housewives of Orange County).  It’s not opinion.  It’s SCIENCE.  I’ll prove it.  Here is Jason Varitek:

Jason Varitek

Example A: Jason Varitek

Here is Slade Smiley (BTW he’s kind of a fag):

Slade Smiley

Example B: Slade Smiley

These pictures aren’t the best examples.  They really have similar bone structures in the face.  The only difference is that Varitek’s face is much thicker.  I think that’s because Slade probably purges.  But, just to prove my case.  Imagine Jason Varitek purged too.  Would he look like THIS:

Slade Varitek

Slade Varitek

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Cutout Dissection.com

Posted on October 14, 2008 by thericker

A 19 year-old Virginia girl has changed her name to Cutout DIssection.com as part of her campaign to eliminate dissection from science curriculums around the country. Don’t believe me? Here’s her license:

Her efforts are part part of a partnership with Peta2.com. In a bizarre turn of events, her plan has done little to sway school administrators in the way of revising their lesson plans, but has, in fact, given the abstinence movement the boost it so badly needed.

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I HAVE A NEW THING!!!

Posted on August 14, 2008 by realbadfriend

How is this not making you rock hard right now?

chix diggit!

chix diggit!

I found something that makes me ultimately more loveable, and ultimately more terrifying. It’s like a closed fist that means love. A hug that chokes you out… An abortion that is also sexy… A dry palm on a wet forehead, making you question, “should I tap, or should I writhe?”

Yes, this is it, folks.

Do you have a new thing?

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Montauk Monsters = Scary / Hot (a comic con tale)

Posted on July 31, 2008 by realbadfriend

So there I was at the 2008 Heroes Comic Con Panel in San Diego, running off stage after giving away a few HEROES dvds and explaining away the fact that Jeph Loeb wasn’t on stage yet.  Needless to say, the fans were in an uproar of glee and excitement when he arrived onstage, and even more excitement when the cast walked on… But I was in shambles folks.  Ol’ Jim Martin was in shambles.  I even screamed out loud!

BECAUSE OF THE MONTAUK MONSTER WHO SCARED THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF ME !!!  Right after I ran off, the half dead dog/rodent/turtle thing was all up at the bottom of the stage.  It totally was like “BOO!”

I got over it though - and then it hit me… I called up my boy DJ Doyle, who was in SD working comic-con  with me… and needless to say… DJ has his own little story about this guy and what happened in San Diego.

That’s it for me, (I’m Jim)… Hey DJ, why don’t you tell us what happened at the hotel…

What happens at Comic-Con…

Gets spread around the office the following week. Yup. I’ll own up to it. While Jim was running scared from the Dog-Turtle Monster, I was embracing their awkward be-flippered lovin’. Seems that these two young betties headed down to Comic-Con with little more than the wind at their backs and a song in their piggish hearts.

So you KNOW I swooped in for the kill with my mad skillz. I learned real quick that Durtle Monsters will do just about anything for a warm berth at night…  (The term berth is used to describe a bed on a boat or train… Jim didn’t know this - he’s an idiot.)

And by anything, I’m saying I shagged them.

Hugs and Kisses,

DJ

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A little piece of advice.

Posted on July 31, 2008 by realbadfriend

Don’t shave with a razor you’ve had for 3 or 4 weeks and you’ve been using every day for those 3 or 4 weeks. Also you don’t ever wash it off.

Are you feeling sad?  Like a bagel sans shmear?   Like an elephant who forgot?  Like the tallest midget around?  Well here’s a tip from your good buddy who knows a thing or two about being blue, me in the mirror.

Mirror Jim Says:

Special thanks to Zach Craley for letting me know that life is worth living.  And providing me with a slab of butter the size of a baby’s fist.

How do you guys make it through and not blow your heads off in a desperate suicide attempt inspired by mornings of trite and played out breakfast sustinence?

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Things I need to work on.

Posted on July 21, 2008 by realbadfriend

I’m a real bad friend (fuck you), an awful husband (as a matter of fact, some people claim that I’m not a husband at all… I bet my wife wishes that was true) and a terrible father (I don’t know / care where my kids are/aren’t) but most importantly I’m just… well, I struggle to do things in a way that people like or appreciate.

I fall down a lot.  I drink standing water.  I present documents without proper headers. My ankles tend to itch and when I scratch them, I tear skin… I’m just not very good at many things.  So, because it’s July I decided to make a list of things I need to work on. And, frankly, I don’t think the list is so great either.

You want a piece? I'm up in it, sandbagger!

You want a piece? I'm up in it, sandbagger!

  • My Fantasy Life - I’ve been fantasizing far too much about food and sleep and not nearly enough about that busty and lusty half and halfer down at the pitch & putt. What am I thinking?
I hate this car, because it isn't done yet.

I hate this car, because it isn't done yet.

  • That hot rod in the shed - It’s not going to fix itself, and let’s face it, that busty and lusty half and halfer down at the pitch & putt doesn’t blow a grease monkey who doesn’t have a slick hot rod set of wheels. (it’s a ‘55!)
Home Improvement Dude

Home Improvement Dude

  • My Tim Allen - I do a fair to moderate impression of the man, but gosh darnit, that’s not enough. “More Power!” also, I need more copies of “BIG TROUBLE” to give to my loved one(s) this weekend.
What a bad o-line, though.

What a bad o-line, though.

  • My rushing YPG - I’ve been drafting well for years now, but it never seems to pay off, I’ve yet to get that Edgerrin James begets Joseph Addai type yardage year in and year out… And with A.K. Dumont out all season, I’m up shits creek. (I own and operate a small time semi-pro Football team called “The Santa Monica Breeze” we’ve been middling around 8-8 for the past few seasons, but this could be our break out year… If I work on it.)
I hate gifts that suck. Just give me the fucking cake.

I hate gifts that suck. Just give me the fucking cake.

  • My appreciation of gifts I receive - I wasn’t trying to be a bastard, but I thought it was abundantly clear that a bundt cake pan was a REALLY SHITTY GIFT for someone’s “draft dodging day” festivities. At least get me a fucking bundt cake… why the fuck would I want a pan?  Do I want to make one myself?  God… oh.. shit… see? There I go again - I really have to work on that.

Oh, and there’s more stuff too.  My innate fear of commitment, my insane loathing for mushrooms that look like flowers, ownership of post 1987 Merle Haggard records, Blue tooth compatibility…

Oh well.  I guess I’m a lot like that ol’ hot-rod.  A work in progress.  What about you, folks?  Do you have anything you need to work on?

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